my stomach hurts, and my heart was practically beating out of my chest when i got out of the bathtub. i think i'm pretty dehydrated (well, duh.) but i'm definitely orthostatic and my potassium is low. if i don't take my pills tomorrow i'll end up in urgencies by the end of the week. i have to call page anyway to tell her that i've taken my pill daily, so it's just as well, especially since i'm intending to exercise on the sly.

my hold on this ED and the notion of recovery are constantly on my brain. for all the thinking i do about it i should get paid or something--i truly devote a lot of energy to thinking about it.

i'm so tired. i really ought get in the bed already. i'm just not feeling...well. don't know how to explain it. if i ever get better, i'll probably look back at this and wonder how i could ever go around feeling so crappy all the time.

i was going to fast until my appointment on the 16th, but i'm contemplating maybe having a boost or ensure a day. that way i'll be getting nutrition and showing progress...even if i get hospitalised i'll still be showing them progress, and silmultaneously giving myself some vital nutrients...but it's like, i know it sounds sad, but i want to put my best foot forward for treatment. if i'm going to be hospitalised, i want to tube this time so i know how it feels. i'm afraid if i nourish myself, that won't need to be an option. besides, what can one boost or ensure a day do?

well, for now, i'm fasting, but if i pass out or something i'll start doing ensure/boost. it's just 250-350 calories, no big deal. i could safely do 3 a day, really, and still lose weight. so i don't know. i'm probably a bit hypermetabolic considering that i'm still losing.

shit, i'm tired.

i feel like if i could do the supplement drink, it'd be a huge step forward...but i'm afraid of the implications of taking that step. maybe when i go i'll say that i have been taking the boost/ensure, but losing weight anyway. then if they decide to hospitalise me i'll do whatever i'm supposed to do from that point on...i just want to lose a little more.

shh...it's a secret, but i'm going to try to aim to lose 15 more in these next 11 days. it'll be tough, but i think i can manage if i go hardcore. i'd like to lose 5 at the very least.

it will be HELL on my body...but if i can just make it to the 16th (and it's not like they'll throw me in the hospital that very day...i'm assuming i'll get sent to the medical college of georgia in augusta...the earliest i'd probably get admitted is monday the 19th. so i could lose more over that weekend.) so...if i could somehow lose 15...and then that last little bit over the weekend...I'd like to think I could be done with it all...more willing to give it all a go.

just one more pound, though, really, and I'll be Ok with whatever I lose under this...well, maybe 5 more pounds and I'd be OK with whatever I lose under that. Yeah. 5 more pounds. And then whatever. But I want 15.

I KEEP SAYING THIS! 5 more pounds, 5 more pounds...one day I'm going to say it and I won't have the 5 pounds to lose!

It's funny...I've lost that 10 pounds my doctor said I didn't have to lose...she told me to pick out my coffin but I've made it this far...I know it's serious, though. No laughing matter, really, and stuff like my heart racing ridiculously when I got out of the bathtube should be um, like, hints that my body is breaking down...

I'm so sick of being stuck in this stupid cycle...but at least it's something I'm good at, though...unfortunately, devotion to anorexia nervosa means that the rest of my life goes to shit...so it goes, so it goes.

*sigh*

What next...